Just look at it, all the different food-themed lands like Potato Land, Barbeque Land, Pizza Land, and Dessert Land. It clobbers the lion. Not even Chuck Norris. He's said this himself several times. They all look the same. And each time, her clothes gradually disappear. Grabbing them's out of the question, so let's pick up that... thing and try and knock them out. Yeah, look at the face! You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death, that is choking on his own puke chunks. The Nerd: Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sunday Funday. What's that? Damn! Damn pig! They were on drugs when they made this game. I mean, usually, you know how to time your jumps once you see that log come over the waterfall, but sometimes, they just appear at random, which doesn't give you enough time to react. There's also these squares that make you fall through the pipes. I hate those fuckin' springs! Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened. Whatever happened to “Thou Shall Not Kill”? Oh, okay, it's got some Bible verses thrown in. And the soundtrack... is Genesis. Oh, what the fuck? Wikipedia. Like, why does everyone want him dead? And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. David and Goliath has this board game. The Nerd: In the beginning, a game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Featuring: Bible Adventures (NES, Wisdom Tree, 1991) Bible Buffet (NES, Wisdom Tree, 1993) Super Noah's Ark 3D (SNES, Wisdom Tree, 1994) Spiritual Warfare (NES, Wisdom Tree, 1992) King of Kings (NES, Wisdom Tree, 1991) Originally aired: 22nd of December, 2006 - ScrewAttack.com. The Nerd: So you lay down all these “exploding pancakes” which blow up everything. A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? Oh, fuck! She says: (girl voice) "I've been here so long my clothes are starting to rot." I'm not gonna hurt you. Now, this is really annoying because while carrying him, there's no way to defend yourself from everything that's out to kill you, and I do mean everything. And when you want them to, they don't! The Making of an AVGN episode - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 102. Is that how Noah did it? How could it get any worse? VGFaq – Video Games Frequently Asked Questions – was born out of passion for video games. Take your favorite fandoms with you and never miss a beat. Essentially, they're recycling some of their old Color Dreams games and adding Christian themes. The Nerd: Look at this! It definitely has to do with food. The Nerd: They all have the same puzzle game, sing-along, all that. You're goin' in the ark, you fuck nut. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves like any other board game, then you get to play all these weird mini-games, which sort of resembles an Atari game. The Nerd: I'm here to talk about a series of games based on stories from the Bible. Seems like I'm runnin' into that problem a lot with games lately. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice. Well, guess what? And, if that's not crazy enough, guess what? The Angry Video Game Nerd is here! The Nerd: Oh, fuckin' Hell. He derives comic appeal from excessive and inventive use of profanity, frequent displays of explicit gestures, and heavy consumption of beer, particularly Rolling Rock or Yuengling, to "soothe the pain". (holds up the game "Joshua" for the NES) Ooh. So that's it. The Nerd: But what's even stranger: this game ("Joshua") was a copy of a game ("Exodus"), which is a copy of another game, Crystal Mines. What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel -- up at an electric eel -- have to do with the Bible? Oh, man! What the hell am I guessing? Now, what's even stranger is how they attack you. Well, that would be Mary. Yep, that's it. Too bad I can't jump high enough. I'm only taking you into the ark. The Nerd: That's right. The Nerd: Now, instead of this stripping chick, you get this annoying bitch who does nothing but nag you. The Nerd: This is Super Noah's Ark 3D. What the fuck?! The Nerd: Remember in Bible Adventures, there were three games, and one of which was Noah's Ark, that stupid shit where you're pickin' up stacks of animals, then of course, there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only unlicensed Super NES game, which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein, where you're goin' around shooting goats. Obviously, I'm going all the way in the middle. That's like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game. What other game could you say, “I just threw baby Moses in the water”. Bible Games - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 17, Kyle Justin: (To the tune of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town"), ♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪, ♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪, ♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪, ♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪. Moses’ mom carrying baby Moses, carrying a block of cheese, carrying a guy carrying a spear? I don't know what that's about. The Nerd: Okay, let's try 4Him. You just bring them to the door, and let those bastards run in there. Fuck this game. He would review Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. How can such an old man be so strong? The old ladies comin' out of boxes? The Nerd: I'm surprised, this game is actually really hard. As for the weakest, I'd say Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu since the episode felt very much like "oh look at this weird-ass game you've never heard of before! Damn! Speaking of carrying things, look at how many things she can stack. The Nerd: Okay, another rip-off of Super Mario Bros. 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. Other times, the second log shows up, but once you're on it, and expecting the third one, it doesn't come. Transcript of AVGN Episode Bible Games 2 Title card for episode. Now that's gotta be tricky, right? Well, it's identical to Menace Beach. Established in 2011 the website is focused on providing full guides and walkthroughs for best-selling video games. So have a Happy Holidays, and all that good shit. The problem is that initially, Matei was camera shy. 5. 0:44. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial, it's Bible games on CD-i! The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume, and that there's a voice. The Nerd: Another thing that's really amazing about Noah is that he can run so fast, he can actually outrun the screen, which is really annoying because you can't see where you're going, so you have to stop to let the screen catch up. This is a weird game. The Nerd: Then there's this Connect the Dots bullshit. Okay, you're a hand tryin' to grab falling fish and throw 'em up into a floating basket. Oh, this game is so annoying. Well, just one, and it found a way. But, there's no way to get it back out. Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone? Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats. It just feels slippery. Yeah, right in the fuckin' nuts. But everything else fits perfectly fine. That's quite ridiculous. Oh, there it is. The Nerd: The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. Anyway, here's some Super Mario Bros outtakes that were just uploaded to Cinemassacre, and none of these are actually on any of the DVDs as far as I know. What's the point of discussing the same game twice? The Nerd: So, let's play another Bible game. What the Hell am I playing? Well, it was only released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format and it can't be played on any North American NES, unless you have the Toploader. But let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff. (Some song lyrics appear on the screen, lighting up in time to the beat) What? Oh my Lord. This one is a no-brainer. Fun, huh? Yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark, because of the way the title art’s misrepresented. Just what you need, some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats. Just look at the title screens. In 2004, James Rolfe finished college. Call it whatever you want. Well, wait until you see Bible Buffet. Up, down, up, down, down! The Nerd: Alright, 3 games in 1. The Nerd: Oh, no. The Nerd: The graphics are really flawed. "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off." The other two games are the same deal. So, who knocked them both out? Bible Games 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd - Episode 62, Kyle Justin: (to the tune of "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town"), ♪ He's playin' some games, the worst he recalls ♪, ♪ He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls ♪, ♪ Oh, he's makin' a list, and checkin' it twice ♪, ♪ He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice ♪, ♪ You'd better watch out, don't give these games a try ♪, ♪ You better not play 'em, he's tellin' you why, (the Nerd drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock). Well, that scratches that off the list. It's the first 5 minutes of a 20+ minute new episode. (turning to the camera) Haven't we played this already? 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